Levels of awareness

It seems strange, but there appear to be at least two levels of awareness going on inside me. Remember how I had said I did not know myself, and what I genuinely wanted? Well, it appears that at another, more subconscious level, I do know what I want; and I think it’s the immaturity of these desires – a childlike fantasy, really – that helps to prevent them from coming to light.

It’s strange. It’s the sort of things where if you examine yourself within a single day, you can’t see it; but when you extend the perspective to cover weeks or months, then a faint, but definite pattern begins to emerge. It’s like my consciousness directs my daily plans, but this hidden aspect of myself governs the overall outcome. And to a fated degree, as if it must happen. I have an Indian friend who would call this “being”.

But here is an example: In my interactions with people I’m often not “planning” things, as if I had some ulterior motive. But when I stand back and look at my interactions with that person over a long period of time, I notice some definite scheming going on – as if I’d known what I wanted all along, before conscious of it.

And the scheming is carried out so well sometimes that it seems entirely incongruous to my everyday self. Not at all as shy or hesitating; more like some brooding mastermind determined to have his way, and also to convince everyone that that was the way it must naturally have been.

And this quality of its being the seemly evident outcome makes it either sinister, or magical, depending on your point of view. This subconscious awareness is what seems to be able to read people’s thoughts, and react in just that way which would eventually produce the result desired. Strange, brooding and dark. Invisible except for the remote view. Like chaos, until the underlying order is discovered.